The Great Big Why - part 2
5 blogs in and I'm writing sequels already...
I can throw around stuff like, "Thing is, career wise there was nothing else I wanted to do. There never has been", or "Film is my passion" until the cows come home. Indeed I've said stuff like that so often it doesn't have much meaning alot of the time any more. But in my mind, that doesn't answer the question, why. Why film writing particularly?
The surface answers do contribute towards answering The Great Big Why. Of course I have a passion for film, I've been mesmerised by cinema for as long as I can remember. Why writing specifically? Well I've always had a flair for writing. When I was 12 a school reading test gave the result that my reading age was that of a 17 year old. I don't think my parents have ever been more proud. I remember my first attempt at writing a book. I was about 10 or 11 and I wrote 15 A4 pages of a story concerning 2 brothers who solved crimes with their father, Fintan. This of course was completely independent from that fact that at that time I was reading The Hardy Boys books about two brothers who solved crimes with their father... Fenton. To this day I wear my influences proudly on my sleeve. I guess crossing a flair for writing with a love of film gives you a film writer. Voila! Let's all go home and have a cocktail.
I suppose in the end I don't believe anything happens accidentally. I don't mean that existentially, this isn't turning into a post about the Divine. I mean that people control circumstances much more than they consciously realise or understand sometimes. I have a lack of confidence that is worse than anyone really knows. I don't have much faith in my abilities alot of the time and I'm sure this is why I struggle with simple things. Rather than potentially look the fool, I won't get involved. I don't want to be seen. But there is a functioning brain in this head. There is also drive, ability, understanding, creativity and a questioning of all things. When you add all those things up what do you get? A person who wants to create and control but do so invisibly. Ie become a writer. Is that too simplistic? More pop psychology? Perhaps to a reader. To the one who has to consciously and subconsciously orchestrate the little bits to align in just the right way so as to maintain a comfort zone with an impenetrable exterior and the veneer of confidence, it's not simple or "pop" at all. Not one bit.
Then there's the successful siblings. Ah yes, family. The source of our greatest comfort and greatest distress. My family is cursed with stubbornness like you couldn't imagine. I believe mine isn't the worst of the five of us. Of course that could just be the stubbornness talking. They will argue and shout and dig themselves into trenches that make the Somme pale by comparison. Me, well I'll feel it, I'll be absolutely certain of my own position in my head, I'll know I'm right. I just won't always say it. It depends on the circumstances. This means, from my own point of view, I've had to struggle for identity within the family. Big personalities will always ensure that is the case. I always thought writing success would tick many boxes. Assert my individuality, assert my own success and my position as Martin and Brian's equal and assert myself as an adult in my parent's eyes, rather than the baby. A scriptwriting career is a pretty difficult thing to accomplish. That's why I want to accomplish it, because it will achieve those things I just mentioned. But I guess more importantly, it will, in my mind, prove that I'm good at something worth doing, and that not many people can do. And that's why I don't want the fallback my Mum and Dad wanted for me through conventional education. In my eyes, falling back to something I'm not this committed to is tantamount to failure. And why am I so committed to it? You in the back nodding off, why am I so committed to it? Aside from a genuine love of cinema and a desire to create? Because I'm in this circle of self doubt. Round and round I go. I want to write because I think I can and I think it'll sort some things out but I don't really believe I can so I'll never make it and these things will always be wrong.
What's most frustrating is that, when I'm comfortable, I get glimpses of the person struggling for dominance against the other person paralysed by self doubt. The one who says things that make sense, who knows a little bit about some things, whose priorities are sound, who has friends that care about him and once in a while, even rely on him. I like that person. He needs to show himself a bit more.
I can throw around stuff like, "Thing is, career wise there was nothing else I wanted to do. There never has been", or "Film is my passion" until the cows come home. Indeed I've said stuff like that so often it doesn't have much meaning alot of the time any more. But in my mind, that doesn't answer the question, why. Why film writing particularly?
The surface answers do contribute towards answering The Great Big Why. Of course I have a passion for film, I've been mesmerised by cinema for as long as I can remember. Why writing specifically? Well I've always had a flair for writing. When I was 12 a school reading test gave the result that my reading age was that of a 17 year old. I don't think my parents have ever been more proud. I remember my first attempt at writing a book. I was about 10 or 11 and I wrote 15 A4 pages of a story concerning 2 brothers who solved crimes with their father, Fintan. This of course was completely independent from that fact that at that time I was reading The Hardy Boys books about two brothers who solved crimes with their father... Fenton. To this day I wear my influences proudly on my sleeve. I guess crossing a flair for writing with a love of film gives you a film writer. Voila! Let's all go home and have a cocktail.
I suppose in the end I don't believe anything happens accidentally. I don't mean that existentially, this isn't turning into a post about the Divine. I mean that people control circumstances much more than they consciously realise or understand sometimes. I have a lack of confidence that is worse than anyone really knows. I don't have much faith in my abilities alot of the time and I'm sure this is why I struggle with simple things. Rather than potentially look the fool, I won't get involved. I don't want to be seen. But there is a functioning brain in this head. There is also drive, ability, understanding, creativity and a questioning of all things. When you add all those things up what do you get? A person who wants to create and control but do so invisibly. Ie become a writer. Is that too simplistic? More pop psychology? Perhaps to a reader. To the one who has to consciously and subconsciously orchestrate the little bits to align in just the right way so as to maintain a comfort zone with an impenetrable exterior and the veneer of confidence, it's not simple or "pop" at all. Not one bit.
Then there's the successful siblings. Ah yes, family. The source of our greatest comfort and greatest distress. My family is cursed with stubbornness like you couldn't imagine. I believe mine isn't the worst of the five of us. Of course that could just be the stubbornness talking. They will argue and shout and dig themselves into trenches that make the Somme pale by comparison. Me, well I'll feel it, I'll be absolutely certain of my own position in my head, I'll know I'm right. I just won't always say it. It depends on the circumstances. This means, from my own point of view, I've had to struggle for identity within the family. Big personalities will always ensure that is the case. I always thought writing success would tick many boxes. Assert my individuality, assert my own success and my position as Martin and Brian's equal and assert myself as an adult in my parent's eyes, rather than the baby. A scriptwriting career is a pretty difficult thing to accomplish. That's why I want to accomplish it, because it will achieve those things I just mentioned. But I guess more importantly, it will, in my mind, prove that I'm good at something worth doing, and that not many people can do. And that's why I don't want the fallback my Mum and Dad wanted for me through conventional education. In my eyes, falling back to something I'm not this committed to is tantamount to failure. And why am I so committed to it? You in the back nodding off, why am I so committed to it? Aside from a genuine love of cinema and a desire to create? Because I'm in this circle of self doubt. Round and round I go. I want to write because I think I can and I think it'll sort some things out but I don't really believe I can so I'll never make it and these things will always be wrong.
What's most frustrating is that, when I'm comfortable, I get glimpses of the person struggling for dominance against the other person paralysed by self doubt. The one who says things that make sense, who knows a little bit about some things, whose priorities are sound, who has friends that care about him and once in a while, even rely on him. I like that person. He needs to show himself a bit more.
posted by Garreth at 3:59 pm
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