Change = Success
My last week at the BBC... Come Friday I'll be officially unemployed!
I veer between excitement and nerves in equal measure. I don't want to be melodramatic, people have done much bigger things than leave a job, change flatmates and return to University. But you know, everything is relative right? And for a cautious, some may say unadventurous soul such as myself, such change weighs somewhat heavily. I get so excited by the possibilities sometimes. I've been writing steadily for about a week and a half now. I hit a bit of a wall yesterday but nothing insurmountable. It's one of those bridging points where I'm at a particular stage, I know where I need to get to, I'm just not sure of how to get there. I keep writing scenes to think of ideas of working through then deleting the scenes when they're no good. That's just how I work. Hopefully it won't be long before the bridge is built and then I'll be in the home straight, I'm on page 78 at the moment. After that it's a little rewriting, another professional read, and then hopefully I can start sending it out. I really want it out long before I start the MA as I want to put this script to bed once and for all and I don't intend to make it the script I work on for the year.
I'm rambling a little bit here, this started out by my saying I get excited by the possibilities and this is compounded by my writing going well at the moment. It's always good to change, if not the direction, then certainly the route you're taking. It's just funny because the people you're leaving behind always assume it'll lead to success. Everyone here has been saying to me how good it'll be (even the cleaner this morning in her limited English, while also making sure I'm not yet 40, told me how good it is) while lamenting their own apparent lack of progress. Maybe it's a grass is always greener thing. Maybe people genuinely see potential in me and are happy to see me do something about fulfilling it. Maybe people always like the idea of changing everything to do something different, which isn't strictly speaking what I'm doing but you know what I mean. It's the romance I guess, the excitement of the unknown. And that is certainly true. It's just when people follow it up with the "it'll be great and you'll do so well and we'll see you on TV in a couple of years..." I always get a bit uncomfortable. It's the old, "You'll take me to the Oscars won't you?" that my friends do alot. I know there's nothing really behind it and the problem is mine, but that doesn't stop me hating it! Of course it's good to make a real go of something, of course it's good to make changes and mix things up. But there's nothing inevitable or certain at the end of it. Certainly not chat shows or award nominations. Though my answers and acceptance speech have been prepared. Because, well you know, it doesn't hurt to be prepared right? It's just me I suppose. I'm an odd mix of being a dreamer, of living anywhere but on planet Earth, and then of thinking quite pragmatically and logically about other things. I still haven't been able to discern how different things fall into which category. When it comes to my future, both categories house various elements. On the one hand, I live in my script worlds sometimes, I can pass whole tube journies lost in a variety of film/script related scenarios. Then at other times I think completely rationally and while I can happily dream about accepting my oscar I know that it's so far from being inevitable that I just get really awkward when people say these things.
Yes, yes I know I'm overthinking and I know people are just being nice. And then there's the fact that I don't take compliments very well. Nothing's ever easy is it? I think subconsciously what happens when people say stuff like that is that, I'm reminded of the potential that exists for me, I'm reminded of how much I want this, and I'm reminded of how I'll feel if it doesn't happen. Not how devestated I'll be if I never end up on Parkinson, but if I one day aren't simply making my living by writing films. Again, I know I overthink. And truth be told I think it's a moment of self doubt creeping in. Plus it's an ego thing. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve a bit about certain things and anyone remotely close to me knows how much I want to write scripts so there's always that thing of, "what'll everyone think if I don't make it?" The logical part of me knows that is rubbish however and at the end of the day the only person that really matters in all this is me. I guess all I'm saying is that change can bring great reward, particularly when done in the kind of determined frame of mind I find myself in these days. Certainly without a willingness to change, no one will ever succeed at anything. And I'm happy with myself for instigating it. It's just that it won't necessarily bring about the desired result. And that's the first thing that goes through my head whenever people tell me what a success I'll be having left the Beeb and returned to college. Nothing will necessarily bring about that result. Well, nothing except writing a killer script that falls into the right hands at the right time. Come to think of it, it doesn't even have to be all that killer. But that's what I'm aiming for.
At the end of the day, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I think it's just that today is more a day of nerves than of excitement.
I veer between excitement and nerves in equal measure. I don't want to be melodramatic, people have done much bigger things than leave a job, change flatmates and return to University. But you know, everything is relative right? And for a cautious, some may say unadventurous soul such as myself, such change weighs somewhat heavily. I get so excited by the possibilities sometimes. I've been writing steadily for about a week and a half now. I hit a bit of a wall yesterday but nothing insurmountable. It's one of those bridging points where I'm at a particular stage, I know where I need to get to, I'm just not sure of how to get there. I keep writing scenes to think of ideas of working through then deleting the scenes when they're no good. That's just how I work. Hopefully it won't be long before the bridge is built and then I'll be in the home straight, I'm on page 78 at the moment. After that it's a little rewriting, another professional read, and then hopefully I can start sending it out. I really want it out long before I start the MA as I want to put this script to bed once and for all and I don't intend to make it the script I work on for the year.
I'm rambling a little bit here, this started out by my saying I get excited by the possibilities and this is compounded by my writing going well at the moment. It's always good to change, if not the direction, then certainly the route you're taking. It's just funny because the people you're leaving behind always assume it'll lead to success. Everyone here has been saying to me how good it'll be (even the cleaner this morning in her limited English, while also making sure I'm not yet 40, told me how good it is) while lamenting their own apparent lack of progress. Maybe it's a grass is always greener thing. Maybe people genuinely see potential in me and are happy to see me do something about fulfilling it. Maybe people always like the idea of changing everything to do something different, which isn't strictly speaking what I'm doing but you know what I mean. It's the romance I guess, the excitement of the unknown. And that is certainly true. It's just when people follow it up with the "it'll be great and you'll do so well and we'll see you on TV in a couple of years..." I always get a bit uncomfortable. It's the old, "You'll take me to the Oscars won't you?" that my friends do alot. I know there's nothing really behind it and the problem is mine, but that doesn't stop me hating it! Of course it's good to make a real go of something, of course it's good to make changes and mix things up. But there's nothing inevitable or certain at the end of it. Certainly not chat shows or award nominations. Though my answers and acceptance speech have been prepared. Because, well you know, it doesn't hurt to be prepared right? It's just me I suppose. I'm an odd mix of being a dreamer, of living anywhere but on planet Earth, and then of thinking quite pragmatically and logically about other things. I still haven't been able to discern how different things fall into which category. When it comes to my future, both categories house various elements. On the one hand, I live in my script worlds sometimes, I can pass whole tube journies lost in a variety of film/script related scenarios. Then at other times I think completely rationally and while I can happily dream about accepting my oscar I know that it's so far from being inevitable that I just get really awkward when people say these things.
Yes, yes I know I'm overthinking and I know people are just being nice. And then there's the fact that I don't take compliments very well. Nothing's ever easy is it? I think subconsciously what happens when people say stuff like that is that, I'm reminded of the potential that exists for me, I'm reminded of how much I want this, and I'm reminded of how I'll feel if it doesn't happen. Not how devestated I'll be if I never end up on Parkinson, but if I one day aren't simply making my living by writing films. Again, I know I overthink. And truth be told I think it's a moment of self doubt creeping in. Plus it's an ego thing. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve a bit about certain things and anyone remotely close to me knows how much I want to write scripts so there's always that thing of, "what'll everyone think if I don't make it?" The logical part of me knows that is rubbish however and at the end of the day the only person that really matters in all this is me. I guess all I'm saying is that change can bring great reward, particularly when done in the kind of determined frame of mind I find myself in these days. Certainly without a willingness to change, no one will ever succeed at anything. And I'm happy with myself for instigating it. It's just that it won't necessarily bring about the desired result. And that's the first thing that goes through my head whenever people tell me what a success I'll be having left the Beeb and returned to college. Nothing will necessarily bring about that result. Well, nothing except writing a killer script that falls into the right hands at the right time. Come to think of it, it doesn't even have to be all that killer. But that's what I'm aiming for.
At the end of the day, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I think it's just that today is more a day of nerves than of excitement.
posted by Garreth at 9:49 am
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