In Need Of A Broken Heart
It's funny the things that stick with you. Some time ago I gave a script of mine to a friend of a friend to read. She's a producer and of course there was the initial excitement followed by the inevitable disappointment as she rejected it. Her feedback was good, honest and, for the most part, made sense to me. More interesting was what she said to our mutual friend who, unable to hold water, of course retold the conversation to me.
"She said you write well but you need to have your heart broken."
Hmm... Immediately I knew what she meant. I can write but the subject matter is dispassionate, there's no real emotional depth, none of the raw honesty and pain informed by life experiences. I haven't travelled the world. I haven't been in love. I thought I was once but I know now I wasn't. The biggest thing that's happened to me was the two or so years I spent really struggling with my sexuality. Breaking up with my then girlfriend, admitting the truth to myself, struggling with feelings I had for one of my closest friends (He's straight but I eventually told him how I felt causing some awkwardness for quite a while, awkwardness I'm thankful to say has gone), anxiety attacks, coming out to my family, dealing with it in religious, personal and social contexts. And then having my first boyfriend.
God it's all gone a bit Dawson's Creek...
My point, and hers, is that you can't fake that stuff. Only by really living can you aquire the experiences that will add depth to the writing. But what does that really mean? How do I "really live?" Do I drop everything, pack a backpack and head to Darfur? Is it really that simple? And that dramatic? I don't make huge efforts to meet people, truth be told I don't enjoy meeting new people. A good trait for a writer... But should I do that too? I know what you're all thinking, why don't I write about what I've documented above. I do want to, I do intend to. I've spoken with my mate about it and he's happy for me to include it in a script, as long as the names are changed. He's experiencing troubles of his own at the moment, troubles that are unfortunately here to stay, and that has affected me quite alot too. Without being callous or opportunistic (though perhaps any writer is inherently both. Watch Capote), I want to include that element in a script too. But I haven't written it yet because I want to do the story justice. Not just that, I don't want a straightforward document of what happened. "He was a straight laced catholic boy. His friend was a free spirit..." Who cares? I want the essence of what happened in the context of a story that is free of the constraints of my actual experiences. And I want the characters to be slightly older than I was. I keep turning the characters and story over in my head and I keep coming back to it and when it's ready I will write it.
What of the meantime? I keep writing horror stories, making up dramas and creating thrillers until my Mother dies or I get testicular cancer or I have my heart broken and then, and only then, will I start to really write anything of any significance. Is that it? I'm just not sure I believe that. I can't believe that what I write now is devoid of real meaning in the absence of cataclysmic personal disaster. How many people write scripts in all kinds of genres that don't involve such things? Surely quite a number.
Of course if it wasn't on my mind, I wouldn't be devoting a whole post to it. And of course I know that such things will inform my personality, my world view and subsequently my writing. I guess I just need to believe that my 30 years thus far have not been devoid of meaningful life experience. And going back to what started this all off, it shocked me a bit that this person called me on it because immediately I was wondering, are my scripts that transparent? Do I have that little to say? With time to reflect I don't think that is the case. But it's always at the back of my mind. Experience vs imagination. Which is the most important?
I'm in need of a broken heart. So come on fellas, do your worst. I'm also in need of a good script.
"She said you write well but you need to have your heart broken."
Hmm... Immediately I knew what she meant. I can write but the subject matter is dispassionate, there's no real emotional depth, none of the raw honesty and pain informed by life experiences. I haven't travelled the world. I haven't been in love. I thought I was once but I know now I wasn't. The biggest thing that's happened to me was the two or so years I spent really struggling with my sexuality. Breaking up with my then girlfriend, admitting the truth to myself, struggling with feelings I had for one of my closest friends (He's straight but I eventually told him how I felt causing some awkwardness for quite a while, awkwardness I'm thankful to say has gone), anxiety attacks, coming out to my family, dealing with it in religious, personal and social contexts. And then having my first boyfriend.
God it's all gone a bit Dawson's Creek...
My point, and hers, is that you can't fake that stuff. Only by really living can you aquire the experiences that will add depth to the writing. But what does that really mean? How do I "really live?" Do I drop everything, pack a backpack and head to Darfur? Is it really that simple? And that dramatic? I don't make huge efforts to meet people, truth be told I don't enjoy meeting new people. A good trait for a writer... But should I do that too? I know what you're all thinking, why don't I write about what I've documented above. I do want to, I do intend to. I've spoken with my mate about it and he's happy for me to include it in a script, as long as the names are changed. He's experiencing troubles of his own at the moment, troubles that are unfortunately here to stay, and that has affected me quite alot too. Without being callous or opportunistic (though perhaps any writer is inherently both. Watch Capote), I want to include that element in a script too. But I haven't written it yet because I want to do the story justice. Not just that, I don't want a straightforward document of what happened. "He was a straight laced catholic boy. His friend was a free spirit..." Who cares? I want the essence of what happened in the context of a story that is free of the constraints of my actual experiences. And I want the characters to be slightly older than I was. I keep turning the characters and story over in my head and I keep coming back to it and when it's ready I will write it.
What of the meantime? I keep writing horror stories, making up dramas and creating thrillers until my Mother dies or I get testicular cancer or I have my heart broken and then, and only then, will I start to really write anything of any significance. Is that it? I'm just not sure I believe that. I can't believe that what I write now is devoid of real meaning in the absence of cataclysmic personal disaster. How many people write scripts in all kinds of genres that don't involve such things? Surely quite a number.
Of course if it wasn't on my mind, I wouldn't be devoting a whole post to it. And of course I know that such things will inform my personality, my world view and subsequently my writing. I guess I just need to believe that my 30 years thus far have not been devoid of meaningful life experience. And going back to what started this all off, it shocked me a bit that this person called me on it because immediately I was wondering, are my scripts that transparent? Do I have that little to say? With time to reflect I don't think that is the case. But it's always at the back of my mind. Experience vs imagination. Which is the most important?
I'm in need of a broken heart. So come on fellas, do your worst. I'm also in need of a good script.
posted by Garreth at 3:54 pm
2 Comments:
Build that house in Basra, that'll give you a script. I'd watch it.
My old man said to me once write what you know about, and I think that makes a lot of sense and is a good piece of writing advice from someone who works in insurance. However, I don't believe you need a cataclysmic event to spur you into writing.
When I write, I write what I know about but that usually manifests itself into dialogue, and I'm forever lifting experiences I've had in one situation or the other and cramming them into the situation in the script. Does this work? Fuck knows. I'm a terrible writer!
But my point is this...you turn on the TV, particularly fucking BBC1 and you're presented with dramas based around a single subject. Take that poxy fucking hotel-based drama. What the fuck was that all about? A wanky soap opera presented as comic drama set in a fucking insanely unrealistic hotel that had "studio-set" written all over it. Did the writer work in a hotel? Did he fuck. He was probably sitting in a hotel boring the fuck out of the person next to him and thought "I'm currently sitting in a hotel. I know...a hotel drama...with comedy...and Max Beasley". Same with "Hustle", same with the new stupid ITV bus drama - they're all shit....so what's my point? I've forgotten. I think it is, anyone can write anything...you need research but you don't need a gonad riddled with cancer to write something moving.
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